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Here Are the Internet’s Dumbest Theories About Kate Middleton

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The Kate Middleton saga has been a boon for tabloids and cat nip for internet conspiracy theorists. Since Middleton had abdominal surgery in January and then failed to show up at a number of annual and/or scheduled events, the internet has been flooded with theories about what might have happened to her. Then came the doctored photos, making things even worse. Despite myriad claims from the royal palace that Kate is alive and well, public speculation persists.

I will admit that it seems weird that the royals have not done a better job of addressing public concerns about Middleton’s whereabouts. Would it really be that hard to put out a quick video of Kate giving a direct address and saying, ‘Hey, uh, yeah, I’m good—no worries everyone’? Of course, if she did that, there would be plenty of theories about the video being a deepfake. Let’s face it: in the modern era, reality has ceased to exist and all that remains is the endlessly speculative nature of digital infotainment. Nobody really cares if Middleton is alive or dead, they just want to laugh, joke, and post about it.

With that in mind, here are some of the internet’s best guesses as to what’s been happening with Middleton.

The most prevalent conspiracy theory about the princess’s disappearance from public life is that she is dead. Conspiracy theorists have speculated that Middleton’s abdominal surgery went horribly wrong and that she did not survive. It’s not obvious to me how that makes any sense. If the princess died, wouldn’t it make a lot more sense to just tell the public? Why pretend like she’s still alive? The same logic involved here seems to animate the classic Beatles “Paul is dead” conspiracy theory.

Another theory related to the botched surgery scenario suggests that Kate may not be dead but is actually in a coma. This theory actually makes slightly more sense than the “dead” theory, since the royal family would actually have some incentive to pretend like things are fine in the hopes that an unconscious Kate might soon wake up.

An alternate theory suggests that Middleton never actual had abdominal surgery and that the procedure she actually underwent was plastic surgery—likely involving her face. This theory would appear to have two primary variants: 1) the surgery went fine but it will take a little time for her to recover from it and 2) the surgery went horribly awry and now Middleton has to hide from public life until the royals can figure out how to fix the surgery.

Can’t a royal princess just enjoy a day off? Some online speculators have claimed that Middleton is just taking some time for herself. This theory would make sense, if not for the fact that the entire internet/Western world is currently freaking out about her whereabouts. I would presume that the royals would obligate her to make an appearance, at that point.

One popular theory is that Middleton has a body double, whom the royal family has deployed during her weird absence over the past few weeks. It doesn’t seem out of the realm of possibility that rich and famous people have body doubles. That said, it’s not clear why Middleton would need to deploy one right now.

In an apparent recent effort to soothe public concerns over the princess, Prince William and someone CLAIMING to be Kate Middleton went on a public outing to a pet shop, where the duo were caught on video. Yes, William was seen walking with, uh…someone, at the shop. Internet geniuses quickly began scrutinizing the video and claimed that the woman with William was not actually the princess.

I’m not sure how this fits in with the rest of the theories, but some online conspiracy nuts have speculated that King Charles is actually the one who recently died. I’m not sure why that would require Middleton to disappear from public life while Charles’s own son stays in the limelight, but there you have it. Charles is really old and also has cancer, so it would make more sense that he is dead rather than Middleton. But he’s not dead. I don’t think.

One of the less whacky theories that has circulated is that Middleton is actually getting a divorce from William and has taken leave from the royal family. So this theory goes, the royals are trying to pretend like everything’s okay and thus are deploying the body doubles/actresses/fake photos, etc., to create a Kate mirage to dispel any suspicions about her absence. This theory follows on the heels of a rumor that Prince William cheated on Middleton with the Marchioness of Cholmondeley. I don’t know who that is and I don’t care.

One of the more popular (and silly) conspiracy theories is that Kate got a BBL—a Brazilian butt lift. You could dub this a subvariant of the plastic surgery theory. Internet trolls have been having a lot of fun joking about this one. This theory gained so much traction that reps close to the royal family had to clarify that Middleton had not gotten the procedure.

It seems like every rich and famous person is currently using the magic weight loss drug Ozempic. Even though it seems destined to spur lots of negative health impacts and it gave one woman endless diarrhea, the world’s most monied just can’t get enough of the stuff. Some have suggested that Middleton recently went on Ozempic and subsequently suffered a bowel-related “injury.”

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